To Have & Have Not
What no words can paint. You, my Little Big Spirit Running; my Leader From The Sky, my prodigal son, have bequeathed unto me a blessing of the highest order.
Your presence, your trust, your life, your love.
As I sit and flounder over adjectives to describe the ample hole you have filled in this well-traveled soul; I mire against the trite. My love for you is vast and huge and deliciously intense. Although, to write about YOU is for another day. That deserves a dedication all it’s own. This day is for me to talk about a conception, I never thought I’d have.
Son, I laid tobacco down the other day; under that tree, the kind that speaks to your momma. Particularly, the one under which you first grasped tiny fistfuls of clover and grass with glee. Particularly, on Mother’s Day. Tobacco to pay homage for all the mothers and grandmothers who have walked a hard and admirable path. Tobacco to credit the bounty and wonder of my power as a feminine spirit. More specifically to honour that which I have been granted. This immeasurable life as a woman. Thankful; so very grateful, that I may conceive body, breath and soul.
This tree and her sisters, majestic; with their long weeping arms so graceful, slender and gentle. This tree; her name, is Willow. She lets the slightest of wind set time to her dancing grooves and render me sated to the ground. Perhaps, my boy, trees will do this for you too. She commands your momma to sit. Here. There. Right beneath her, like nothing else matters. She whispers to me that it would be good for me to meditate upon nothing but her great, nourishing beauty and in turn feel my own. Nourishing Beauty.
To feel mama earth beneath you; sweet little man, is a connection like no other, and you shall grow up to know that it is not silly to listen to the trees and believe they have wise words to say. So clever were Gitchie Manito and Mother Earth to have created trees. At times I think, just for you and me. Another day, we shall talk of the specific gifts and resources trees endow us with and how to honour and use them. Our task is great; Niighanighijzik, me your momma and your dad, to steer you towards a desire for knowledge of the Traditional Ways and a respect for the Resources; Mother Earth, she provides. I, myself, am in complete awe and trust of her for good reason. I have it on good authority that she and our creator, Gitchie Manito (The Great Spirit), were in cahoots concerning your very conception. That good authority being my body. The vessel in which you grew, where those western doctors told me would you would not. It was only when I truly believed in a higher realm; the spirit realm and gave up spaces of my time to pray in that corner, did your sprout bloom.
It’s a severe affliction, to be told that what you want most out of life is not for you. To create and nurture life. It’s been many years my son, to get past the hate and bitterness to get on with the healing and praying. It was then, and only then, combined with the magnificent love of your father that I unraveled and allowed myself to be cleansed. There are many stories I will share with you, not all at once and surely not before your tender spirit needs to know. I believe in honesty, even when it does not esteem to be of roses. Thankfully, there will be so many MORE tales of unadulterated joy and enchantment. There will be chronicles on heroes and vixens and divas and goddesses and villains and those stuck in between. You will know me, my boy, and hopefully, understand. There will also be some things you need never know.
This past Sunday; my first day to celebrate being your mother, I had woke with such peace, such irreverent BLISS. I thought surely no one has it as good as me. Oh darlin’, I am your MOTHER! Sure, There’s lack of sleep and a slew of challenges along the way – did I mention that luckily, you are perfect? I ask the creator as often as it comes to mind (bona fide), to be blessed with the courage to pass on to you all that I learned to be healthy and good. I pray everyday in some small way to have the strength NOT to pass on what I learned to be painful and abusive. I vow, even when it’s tough-as-nails, to love you to grandmother moon and back. I shall ALWAYS accept you for YOU. To provide you with; a healthy life and many opportunities to flourish in every regard along the way, is my destiny. I promise to stay out of your way and to lend a helping hand. But, for now, my little babe. Don’t grow too fast. I cherish the cling.